Saying yes and no...

Tonight I missed choir practice - which is rather important because usually there are only 2 guys (sometimes 3) in our small 12 voice choir - because I was on the phone with a woman trying to arrange a memorial service for her mother who just died. It took much longer then I expected and when it was over I was so tired I had to crash. (Or more honestly, eat dinner at 7:45 pm and then crash.) That's one of the challenges in ministry of being present to people in pain that some church folks just don't get: sometimes whenyou have to say yes to someone that also means saying no to others at the same time.

Don't get me wrong - I LOVE being in ministry - I have given almost 30 years to this gig and cherish it as a sacred responsibility. But I still hate it when some of the folk I love have to take a back seat so that I can be present with others I love, too. I felt that same tension last night driving home from a ministry association meeting: there is only one night in every seven when Di and I can be home together without another commitment. You can get used this - and we both understand that it goes with the territory of two working adults - but after having 6 days together in a row in Tucson... well, like I said: sometimes saying yes to some really does mean saying no to others and there are times I really miss my sweetheart.

And the next two weeks will be particularly emotionally, spiritually and physically full for we are entering that time of all times: Holy Week. Many folk in the Reformed tradition only mark Maundy Thursday but I have been so influenced by both the Anglican and Eastern Orthodox realms that I feel called to claim it all: Palm Sunday, Maundy Thursday, Good Friday, the Easter Vigil of Saturday and the Feast of the Eucharist. And for each of the ceremonies, there are the corresponding rehearsals - for both music and liturgy - and training and recruitment which is another one of those saying yes and saying no realities.

One of my colleagues used to say, "By the time we get to Easter Sunday all we can do is help get Jesus out of the ground, the rest is up to somebody else..." because by Easter Sunday afternoon most clergy claim super crash time. And, curiously, my experience with Holy Week is that something always goes wiggy- some tragedy or unexpected sadness hits at the worst possible time - and we have to confront another part of that yes and no rhythm of ministry.

So, here we go: my regrets to my choir mates - my loving family - and those who are bewildered by this odd yes/no tension. I give thanks to God for being a part of it all and simultaneously understand that something always gets left undone. How do they say it at the Easter Vigil? O happy fault - o truly needful sin of Adam - that puts to flight all evil...? May it be so within and among us. The great Spanish poet, Antonio Machado, plays with the Easter Vigil prayer in a way that always gives me hope:

Last night, as I was sleeping,
I dreamt - marvelous error -
that a spring was breaking
out in my heart.
I said: along which secret aqueduct,
oh water, are you coming to me,
water of a new life
that I have never drunk?

Last night, as I was sleeping,
I dreamt - marvelous error -
that I had a beehive
here inside my heart.
And the golden bees
were making white combs
and sweet honey
from my old failures.

Last night, as I was sleeping,
I dreamt - marvelous error -
that a fiery sun was giving
light inside my heart.
It was fiery because I felt
warmth as from a hearth,
and sun because it gave light
and brought tears to my eyes.

Last night, as I slept,
I dreamt - marvelous error -
that it was God I had
here inside my heart.

So, tomorrow we will rest - and feast with our children in the evening - and get ready for some new marvelous error that will involve saying yes and no... and then discerning where God is within the mix.