I'll be there...

The word is in:  apparently my brother's recent seizure came about in the perfect storm of  having to travel to and from SF to DC - twice - on the red-eye express, the anxiety and stress of our sister's memorial service, leaving behind a well-loved wife who had to help their very old dog move into death and sundry concerns and worries about finances, housing and so much more.  I am grateful that there are no tumors to confront.  I am relieved that this seems to be more about the confluence of family craziness than something profoundly neurological.  Thank you for your loving encouragement and prayers...

About Tuesday of last week I sensed my fears lifting - not because anything had yet changed - and certainly not because I had suddenly figured out a better way of managing the stress.  No, my hunch is that I was simply blessed by the always mysterious and sometimes elusive presence of the Holy Spirit who brought me a taste of the "rest" Christ promised. Craig Barnes, soon to become President of Princeton Theological Seminary, once wrote this about grace and salvation:

John the Baptist was certain that when the Son of God arrived, he would bring a winnowing fork to separate the chaff from the wheat and throw it into the unquenchable fire.  But there is no salvation in such judgment. Salvation comes through a loving Savior who finds us and takes on our lost condition.  As the poetry claims, "For our sake he made himself to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God."

Barnes goes on to talk about the movement of the Spirit in the lives of Jesus and Mary and others who were all assured that they were God's beloved. He then brings it all home for me with these words:

Until we hear this voice from heaven claiming that we are cherished by God who is well-pleased with us, we will never be able to truly cherish anyone or believe that we are their beloved as well.  We have to receive love in order to give it. And the primal love has to come from the God whom Jesus called Father... The work of the Spirit is to adopt us into the Son's beloved relationship with his Father, making us all heirs of God, join heirs with Jesus Christ... And until we receive that love, which has come by sheer grace, we will spend the rest of our lives in the futile efforts of (trying) to make our parents well-pleased. Even parents who were good at affirming their love for their children can only provide a pale approximation of the grace that comes only from heaven.  The human soul yearns most of all to be cherished by its Creator.

In other words, grace - self-worth - rest is a gift born of God's love for us as beloved.  We can't earn it, we can't buy it and we can't negotiate with the Sacred to get just a little piece of it. Barnes observes:

Churches are filled with people who try to find their worth by making themselves necessary... when what they yearn for is to be cherished.  No one finds self-esteem by being necessary.  It only comes through being loved, which can only be offered as a free gift. God loves us not as a necessity, but as a choice. Only those who believe this are free to allow work to be just work and not their savior - and there is no other way to enjoy working.

Somehow that's what I sensed again last week - and it has made all the difference. At band practice, Rebecca sang a killer version of the Jackson 5's "I'll Be There." She tore the roof off the Sanctuary in practice reminding me that this will be a highlight of our up-coming Thanksgiving Eve show.  And about half way through the song I had a passing recollection that the Jackson's used to be my sister Beth's favorite group.  As a little girl she couldn't get enough of those guys.  I believe her first 45 was Michael Jackson's "Ben."  It all started to feel right and as Rebecca sang I just settled back into the groove and let the music carry me.