Is there a chance I could...die?

While I was resting on the gurney before yesterday's medical exam, the nurse asked, "And you have a DNR, right?"  It felt like someone had slapped the back of my head with a brick.  "Um... actually no but you are right I do not wish to be resuscitated should it come to that."  Holy shit, I kept thinking, this is just an endoscopy:  is there a chance I could die?  Afterwards, while still under the influence of the anesthesia - which allowed me to be present and lucid without any memory - I was still thinking/talking about that question (although I have no memory of it.)

But it is a good one, yes?  To be ready to die at any moment means I am also living fully and well right now.  In one of Nouwen's reflections for Lent he writes:

Precisely where we feel most present to each other we experience the absence of those we love. And precisely at moments of great loss we can discover a new sense of closeness and intimacy. This is also what the Eucharist is about: we announce the presence of Christ among us until he comes again!  There is both presence and absence, closeness and distance, an experience of at-homeness on the way home.  I was struck again by the paradox that loving someone deeply means opening yourself to the pain of her or his absence. Lent is a time to get in touch with our experience of absence, emptiness, unfulfillment so that in the midst of our overcrowded lives we can remind ourselves that we are still waiting for the One who has promised to fulfill our deepest desires.

As this Lent has ripened - and I've come into touch with sadness and unexpected tears - this minor invitation to remember my own mortality was a blessing.  So I'm off for a short walk with my honey and the dogs before playing an early jazz gig. 

PS:  so the jazz gig was GREAT - lots of music of a variety of types - and who should walk in as we're setting up but the doctor who did my exam and the visiting, attending nurse! Too funny - he noted:  "Looks like you are making a full recovery!"  Amen to that!