The primary symptom of a soul that is sick...

"The primary symptom of a soul that has become sick," writes M. Craig Barnes of Pittsburgh Theological Seminary, "is that it become blind to the poetry of life."  That rings true to me - in theology, in church life, in business, politics and music, too.  Barnes continues saying, "... this is true not only because it can no longer see the beauty of the small miracles... but also because the soul has settled into its disappointments which has left it angry."

Know any angry clergy?  I don't mean those pastors and priests who stand up for themselves - or the wounded ones charged to their care - I mean those who are doing public therapy under the guise of ministry? Yesterday, in a conversation with a young woman seminarian, we were discussing the search and call process when I mentioned that a therapist had once said to me," Ok, after 10 years of doing ministry for all the wrong reasons, let's see if we can find the right ones?" My young friend said tentatively, "So what ARE the wrong reasons for doing ministry?" 

I suggested that I had been able to name four - and I've explored them all - and mostly learned something in the process:

+ Doing ministry as therapy and living into your anger or shame or fear in public.  This is perhaps the worst part of Nouwen's expression, "the wounded healer" because it gives clergy permission to confuse their own private shit with ministry.  Congregations don't need to know that your momma beat you, or your uncle abused you or the church - in whatever form - wounded you.  The people in our congregations have enough hurt to deal with - and God didn't call us into ministry to work it all out in public.  Get a counselor!  Work with a spiritual director!  And do it in private, too for the love of Jesus!  Your shit is important - to you - so deal with it - just not in church.

+ Doing ministry as a substitute for theatre or the music business or social work or.. whatever. I know a lot of clergy who had neither the talent nor the stamina to make it as a professional actor, singer, guitar player, artist, etc.  So they fill their ministry with all the stuff they really wanted to do but couldn't quite make happen - and everyone gets bored and tired and frustrated.  What's more, often this misplaced emphasis takes on edgier and more and more inappropriate forms as the minister searches for a buzz.  I knew a minister of music once who created "Christmas Pageants" that had NOTHING to do with Christ and his coming.  They were simply an excuse for bad community theatre and chessy musicals.  Sure, there are times and places for me to make music - and I love doing it - but it really has to be in service of worship or art without  holding a congregation hostage.

+ Doing ministry because you are lonely and need friends and/or approval.  Of course, most of us are people pleasers - we love to build community and encourage love and trust - but ministry is ALWAYS a public commitment.  My friends, those whom I confide in at the deepest levels, are rarely part of my congregation.  And when they are, we talk a lot about "dual relationships" and work hard to keep the boundaries clear.  Church is not where I find solace, it is not where I worship and it is not my core community.  My job is to facilitate and nourish that with and for the congregation; it is not to be cared for by the people of my church.  And, yes some of that happens in a healthy and happy pastoral relationship. But I always know that my ministry is for them and God - not myself.

+ Doing ministry as a career.  I know some clergy chart a trajectory for their lives and see themselves in administration or the Bishop's seat well before they graduate from seminary. I tried that one, too; working towards bigger and more prestigious congregation with every move.  And there is clearly outward support for this perspective.  It is encouraged and rewarded over and over. And while some are clearly gifted to serve the wider church, too often this leads towards workaholism - always striving for something bigger and better - in a sick spiritual consumerism.  And that isn't strengthening or serving the Body of Christ.  For the life of me, I can't see how careerism has a place in the upside down kingdom of God where the first will become last.

It was a sobering conversation - maybe it was helpful - I know it was humbling for me.  It brought me back to the words of Barnes who concluded his observation about soul sickness:

We hurt our souls... when we gorge ourselves on anger - at God or other people - until it makes us sick... And the problem with anger is that it makes us lose interest in the blessing of live because we can only think about the infuriating things. We obsess over it and become intoxicated with the hurt we feel... And once we take on the identity of victims, we are allowing nothing redemptive to occur... so how can we be open to such divine gifts as healing, forgiveness and the gravitas that (might) emerge from our adversity?

I am not saying there is no place for anger in ministry - there IS - but so many times it is displaced or subverted or misdirected because we have allowed it sicken our souls.  Yes, we are all wounded healers in some ways. But for God's sake let's not confuse our anger or pain with ministry, ok?  How did Buechner put it? 

It comes from the Latin vocare, to call, and means the work a man is called to by God. There are all different kinds of voices calling you to all different kinds of work, and the problem is to find out which is the voice of God rather than of Society, say, or the Superego, or Self-Interest. By and large a good rule for finding out is this. The kind of work God usually calls you to is the kind of work (a) that you need most to do and;(b) that the world most needs to have done.

If you really get a kick out of your work, you've presumably met requirement (a), but if your work is writing TV deodorant commercials, the chances are you've missed requirement (b). On the other hand, if your work is being a doctor in a leper colony, you have probably met requirement (b), but if most of the time you're bored and depressed by it, the chances are you have not only bypassed (a), but probably aren't helping your patients much either.

Neither the hair shirt nor the soft berth will do. The place God calls you to is the place where your deep gladness and the world's deep hunger meet."

It really isn't a calling if this order is inverted...