Sabbath thoughts on a cold day...

Last night my clergy encouragement group met ~ some friends were MIA because of other commitments ~ but others were there in love and wisdom.  And as is often the case, while I felt almost too tired to go back out after a full day, I was blessed by making the effort. It is a truly eclectic group - women and men, gay and straight, traditional pastors alongside bi-vocational folk and others with ministries in the creative arts - and I always learn something by showing up.

One of the things I'm musing over these days is being one of the elders.  I feel it in my bones, I see it in the mirror and it is a reality in this group. It is also true in a few other circles I run in.  But being an elder straight, white guy is different in the 21st century than in times past.  And this is a good thing ~ no automatic credentials anymore ~ for there is a good deal of necessary suspicious in a post-modern key given the track record of we old, straight, white guys. To be fair, there's been a lot of good stuff from this lot, too ~ literature, art, science, philosophy, etc ~ but in the worlds I live in, you really have to earn your credibility these days. No more free passes just because you've been able to stay alive!  Like my old mentor, another old, straight white guy, Ray Swartzback, used to say about doing urban ministry in a multi-racial context, "You can't transfer your record as an ally ~ you have to earn it and prove it ~ over and over again.  And that's a good thing."

So I've been thinking about how that happens these days ~ how you earn your street creds as an old white guy ~ and I think there are a few things that are essential.  First, it is important to shut-up more than speak.  WE love to hear our old war stories, but most younger clergy don't ~ they have war stories of their own and new challenges to face ~ so one of the best things we can do as elders is keep our mouths closed most of the time.  Sure, we might have something to offer that could be helpful, but it is far better to be asked for an insight than to push it upon another.  So, as much as I like to blather on about this or that problem ~ and I how I figured out how t solve it~ I'm learning to shut-up more and more. (There's a time and place for old war stories and that is with other old guys.)

Another thing that is becoming clear about being one of the elders is that I have to show up to things that matter rather than giving in to being too tired or disinterested.  How many all-church meetings have I been to in my life?  Hundreds upon hundreds ~ and mostly I still find them boring ~ but they are important places to make connections with new clergy so it is good to be present (even if it is only a ministry of presence, right?) I recall the poet Robert Bly once saying that if men over 50 are not sharing time and conversation with younger men ~ actively seeking them out for encouragement and friendship ~ we are not fulfilling our calling as elders.  And the key here is being present with encouragement and friendship ~ not advice ~ but authentic compassion and that can't take place in the absract: the Word must always become Flesh.

And one more thing, I think, is valuable about trying to live as an elder:  in addition to shutting up more and showing up often, I need to continue to go deeper in my own life commitments.  Nothing is more frustrating than a cynical old man except perhaps a foolish one who has refused to learn from the mistakes of living.  I see a lot of both types of men ~ cranks and fools ~ and while I understand that these men have been ground down and rendered obsolete in almost every sense of the word, I know, too that they have made choices that reinforce their mean-spirited or foolish public personas.  Sam Keen once said that at about age 50 men will face one last opportunity to embrace their shadow and start learning from their failures.  If we can honor this challenge ~ and do the work ~ we will move into our "kingly" archetype and bring blessings to those in our lives; if we ignore or oppose it ~ running away in a red sports car or becoming a workaholic ~ we will wind up like those old guys in the balcony of the Muppets Show who are perpetually carping about everything under the sun but totally irrelevant to everything, too.

So, on this cold Sabbath day in the Berkshires, I was delighted to find this quote this moring from one of my brothers in the old, white guy fraternity.  It resonates with the calling of an elder. He lived just over the mountain and down the road from me:  Ralph Waldo Emerson: 

To laugh often and much, to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children, to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends, to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others, to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch . . . to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded!