jesus, mary magdalene, wendell berry, pope francis and me...

It happens whe I least expect it: that feeling of being overwhelmed and exhausted. It's no one's fault, of course, except perhaps my own for not paying closer attention to the inward/outward flow of energy. Back in the day I would become anxious and resentful searching for someone to blame. Then I would melt down into a ball of mixed up feelings and tears. In time, I noticed that there's no winning in that way of being; and in time, with enough therapy, silence, and walking meditation I recognized that the better way was to simply step back, let things go for a spell, and sit in the stillness.

So, here I am again: no blame now just stepping back to rest and let go before re-engaging next week. A wee bit of self-care with silence and preparing our garden seeds for planting. This poem posted on the Friends of Silence newsletter spoke to me and I share it with you.

Welcome to the 4am Club.

It's well-attended.

People come and go freely.

There are no membership fees.

Drop-ins are always welcome.

Some people bring their physical pain:

headaches, back aches, restless legs.

Some bring their soul pain.

The language of tears is spoken.

Emotions circulate around the room:

fear, sadness, shame –

all the ones that crawl under the bed

when daylight comes.

Often prayers are whispered.

Blessings are blown across the miles

to loved ones.

Healing incantations are said

for those who suffer.

Peace is yearned for.

Thanksgivings echo through the night.

In the generosity of darkness and silence,

dreams are remembered:

nighttime dreams, childhood dreams, 

daydreams awaken forgotten pathways.

From time to time, joy pops in for a visit.

So do the cats. Lured by magic,

they find their way to a warm lap

and doze off.

Visions of beauty show up,

And creative weavers

wander around, aimlessly.

Sometimes a mysterious focus grabs hold.

Then, a light appears in the darkness,

revealing the unfathomable love

that holds everything together.

~ Jackie Sabath

After signing out of a few online commitments, I could breathe again. And sleep almost the whole night, too. I was able to throw out at least half of what I had written for my Small is Holy live stream as well and reorder my thinking about Jesus, Mary Magdalene, and Wendell Berry. In the rewrite, this poem jumped up saying: pay attention to ME! So, I did.

When despair for the world grows in me 

and I wake in the night at the least sound

in fear of what my life and my children’s lives may be, 

I go and lie down where the wood drake

rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds. 

I come into the peace of wild things

who do not tax their lives with forethought of grief. 

I come into the presence of still water.

And I feel above me the day-blind stars waiting with their light.

For a time I rest in the grace of the world, and am free.

Maybe there will come a day before my race is run when I won't get knocked down before stepping back. Hope springs eternal, but my hunch is I will only get a little better at it in the time that remains. Pope Francis says that one of the gifts of aging is a "spiritual sensitivity." In his meditation on the aging saints of the Temple in Jerusalem, Anna and Simeon, Francis writes:

What can we learn from these two elderly figures filled with spiritual vitality? We learn that the fidelity of waiting sharpens the senses. Besides, as we know, the Holy Spirit does precisely this: enlightens the senses. In the ancient hymn, Veni Creator Spiritus, with which we continue to this day to invoke the Holy Spirit, we say: “Accende lumen sensibus,” “Guide our minds with your blest light,” enlighten our senses. The Spirit is capable of doing this: of sharpening the senses of the soul, despite the limits and the wounds of the senses of the body.Old age weakens, in one way or another, the sensibility of the body: One is going blind, another one deaf. However, an old age spent in awaiting God’s visit will not miss his passage; on the contrary, it will be even more ready to grasp it, will have greater sensitivity to welcome the Lord when he passes. (Read the rest here: it's worth the time @ https://www. americamagazine. org/faith/2022/03/30/pope-francis-elderly-242723)