has been good and even how God is present in the tears of her son who will miss her terribly when she is gone. Then she says, "A few years ago during Lent, we were doing a Bible study - a visualization - about the disciples in the boat when Jesus came to them on the water. The leader asked us to determine who we would be... and it was clear that I was not one to stay in the boat. Like Peter, I needed to get out and walk by faith... but I've never really had a chance to test that, have I?"I looked at her with incredulity: what have the past 11 months been, man? Haven't you been living by faith since your were diagnosed with pancreatic cancer? Haven't you been living by faith when you greeted each day with joy? And found patience and hope and God's presence in both the shitty unfairness of all of this as well as the pain? "Hmmmmm..." she says, "maybe I have been living by faith..."
Man, if anyone has, it has been her. And like so many of us, sometimes we can't see our gifts or our truths - to say nothing of our shadows - without another who loves us enough to be our mirror. I left the hospital in awe and even gratitude that even though this saying good-bye and dying hurts like Hell itself, it is also such a great privilege and blessing. Made me think of the song, "Roads," by that kick-ass band Portishead.
What's more, being with her as she enters her death during Advent is another weird gift because it really puts EVERYTHING else into perspective: where is the light breaking into the darkness? No more bullshit, right? Everything that is not important - this year, this time or ever - let it go, right? "Oh, can't anybody see that we've got a WAR to fight? Regardless of what they say... how can it feel this way?"
4 comments:
This post just reminded me of one of my clients who is really learning to see his own gifts, his own shadow, as you put it, for the first time in his life. Seeing and perspective are so important.
Thanks, RJ.
Right back at ya, Katherine. Thanks.
I added this song to our potential Good Friday list. The lyrics are slightly different from what you have here: "Oh, can't anybody see we've got a war to fight? Never found our way, regardless of what they say. From this moment, how can it feel this wrong?" Lyrics sites put a comma before "this wrong," which would make "wrong" a noun and the question one of how does this particular wrong feel. I think it makes more sense without the comma so that the question is how can it all feel so wrong if we supposedly found our way, as "they" say. Which to me is a perfect question for Good Friday--if Christians have gotten it right, as many Christians like to say about themselves, then how can it all still feel so wrong? We've got a war to fight--we never found our way, regardless of what they say. And putting ourselves back in time into the disciples shoes on Good Friday, it must have felt all very wrong to them in that moment. Thanks for introducing me to this song, and this band. Good stuff!
what a beautiful yet sad story. thanks for sharing!
i'm just getting a taste of this when i go on visits for my field education church. i'm amazed at the clarity in some aspects that our hospitalized folk have yet am able to provide some insight as well. it's a wonderful give and take. we make the road by walking!
Viva La Vida: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dvgZkm1xWPE
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