gratitude for l'arche ottawa: preparing to be away

There is a blog post simmering on the back burner about the arc of the ministry God has guided me into for over 40+ years. but it is going to have to wait for a few more days. Tomorrow I leave to be with my L'Arche Ottawa friends for four days of reflection, conversation, eating together, and listening carefully to one another in retreat. It will be a deep privilege to join the new and seasoned assistants for this first formation retreat. It will be a joy to be part of the musical team, too. And a humbling honor to celebrate Eucharist at the close of our time together. Even the six hour trip up and then back is filled with blessing as it is a time for silence - some music, too - and a lot of thought and prayer. I give thanks for this journey to and fro throughout the seasons. Like Mother Earth, I find myself ripening and then turning inward, sharing abundantly and then withdrawing for introspection. Seeing the movement of the seasons is yet another way of staying grounded in God's quiet but real presence.

One of the truly unique gifts that I have experienced at L'Arche is the joy as well as the freedom to share life with judgment. So much of my existence has been shaped and deformed by judgment. As a child of alcoholic parents, I know the demon of shame all too well. I know what it means to strive to overcome the demon with hard work. And perfectionism. And the relentless judgment of never quite getting it all right. Exhausting, yes? What's more, my chosen calling in the church as a pastor was one where workaholism was rewarded. In time, even expected. So God forbid that the clergy truly practice self-care and healthy boundaries re: the inward/outward journey of being engaged and available as well as stepping away from the fray for quiet rest and renewal. 

One of the paradoxical conclusions I have realized in retirement is that I knew blessing upon blessing as a pastor. It was a grand and holy time. Yet often simultaneously, it was saturated with the critical judgment of others or my own doubts, fears and insecurities. Small wonder one of my cherished passages from Scripture is Matthew 11: 28-30: Come unto me all ye who are tired and heavy-laden and I will give you rest.

I have done a lot of inner work coming to terms with all of this over the past year as I have found a new rhythm in retirement. And one of the most healing aspects of this time has been my deepening commitment to L'Arche Ottawa. My experience with the community is grounded in gratitude, not judgment. Not that we get it all right all the time. That wouldn't be human or even possible. But gratitude is the starting place at L'Arche, not judgment. As they say throughout L'Arche Canada: the L'Arche community is a unique model of support where everyone belongs. Jean Vanier, the founder of L'Arche, put it like this: "Genuine healing happens here, not in miraculous cures, but through mutual respect, care, and love. Paradoxically, vulnerability becomes a source of strength and wholeness, a place of reconciliation and communion with others.” Earlier today I read these words at one of the prayer sites I am finding helpful.

Luke 14: 3b-5: And Jesus asked the lawyers and Pharisees, “Is it lawful to cure people on the sabbath, or not?” But they were silent. So Jesus took (a wounded man) and healed him and sent him away. Then he said to (his opponents), “If one of you has a child or an ox that has fallen into a well, will you not immediately pull it out even on a sabbath day?”

We like to judge more than we like to reconcile. From religion to

politics, from education to immigration, we are usually far more interested in assigning blame than looking for healing. This is not a problem unique to our place in history—it seems to have been the case in Jesus’ time as well. The hard path, the path Jesus is leading us to follow, is to find solutions to problems. Jesus issues a call that is about seeking reconciliation with those from whom we are divided, divorced, or disenchanted. So where might we bring healing in the lives of others today? Are we willing to work for it? (http://prayer.forwardmovement.org)

Gratitude and the unforced rhythms of grace have always called to me. And now I have the space, time, privilege and ability to embrace them ever more fully. At L'Arche I find I am able to do this with clarity, depth and authenticity. So it is with a quiet trust that I prepare tonight to head out to Ottawa in the morning. At the close of our retreat I will share some additional reflections. Until then, I won't be engaged in social media for much of the next week.