Listening to your life...

One of the on-going joys of the pastoral ministry is the constant surprises God brings into my life:  you would think that by now ~ 30 years into this thing ~ I would know how to take the  joy, horror, awe or tender acts of mercy in stride. But I don't. I regularly feel a palpable sense of mystery wash over me nearly every day. 

It could begin with the loving trust of a small child or the confessions of a wizened old addict ~ sometimes it is born while making or receiving music ~ or reading the NY Times. I have discovered how really vulnerable and bewildered I am, too, when an unexpected harsh or even cruel word is shared. Or when I wake to find I am exhausted and still have miles to go before I sleep.  And there are many times when the seemingly random visits, conversations and accidents of the day open my soul to the presence of the living God.

Call them epiphanies ~ appropriate for today, yes? ~ or a slipping in and out of God's kingdom, whatever analogy you prefer, I think Buechner gets it right when he notes:  "The question is not whether the things that happen to you are chance things or God's things because, of course, they are both at once. There is no chance thing through which God cannot speak - even the walk from the house to the garage that you have waled ten thousand times before, even the moments when you cannot believer there is a God who speaks at all anywhere."

Yesterday, for example, three different ordinary encounters revealed to me something of the extraordinary hidden just beyond my perception. 

+ First, I had a conversation with a person who has been worshipping with us for about a year.  I don't know a lot about her but she was weeping during Eucharist this past Sunday.  I don't know the back story but followed up just to stay in touch only to discover she is a local visual artist and poet. We spoke about prayer and the mystery of God's still speaking voice that sometimes breaks into our art. She particularly loves the abstract expressionists (like me!)  So, we're going to try to collaborate on a workshop ~ or exhibition ~ or something as this New Year unfolds.

Don't get me wrong, the tears were always just below the surface in our meeting, but they neither define this artist nor shape the totality of her life.  No, God's mysterious and grace-filled presence is at her core ~ and in a totally unexpected moment, this truth was revealed.

+ Second, a church leader shared with me part one of our annual evaluation process.  Now sometimes this can be a real mixed bag ~ especially when there is someone with an ax to grind or even just those who aren't practiced at evaluation writing ~ and there was some of that going on here, too.  So, a few times I felt my defenses quicken ~ for good and bad reasons ~ and at other times I sensed that our small and struggling community of faith is growing deeper in our awareness of God's grace. 

As the conversation deepened, however, I realized that my defenses can be helpful in pointing us towards ways to solve perceived problems.  "That's a blessing," I thought.  "And they can also help me clarify and communicate more clearly, too."  Then I heard, "You know, when you first came I appreciated your casualness ~ the way you were helping us all slow down and take stock of who we were ~ hat was fun.  But as the years have progressed I've also come to see that below your casual and easy style is a deep, deep commitment to the Biblical witness of Jesus ~ and that has become very important to me and so many others."  Hmmmm... another surprise.

+ And third, as I was driving home to get ready for our jazz gig, my huge bass amp shifted in the back of the Subaru and smashed the rear window.  Not cracked or chipped, but totally shattered and that bad boy is history.  At first, it felt like I had been rear-ended ~ and clearly my head was shaken ~ but then I realized that the crash had come from within.  I felt nauseous ~ and rattled ~ and a wave of sadness washed over me because I HATE to deal with bureaucratic agencies.

So we drove in the 11F weather with the heat on high, trusted that no one would do further damage to our new/old car while we played the gig and unloaded all my gear.  And then we played one of the best jazz gigs I can remember in the past 16 months:  it was freakin' sweet!  And the place was packed.  And it felt healing and hopeful and loving and mystical all at the same time.  We had some great guests sit in on guitar and later sax and trumpet ~ and once we even shifted instruments so that Benny was on drums, Jonnie was on harp and Andy was on piano for a nasty-ass, Texas-style blues take on "Rock Me Baby." 

When we left, who cared that the back window was gone!?!  And this morning, the glass repairman helped me work out the details so that the insurance covered the whole mess. A cornucopia of surprises and blessings all born of the ordinary.  Again, Buechner writes:

God speaks, I believe, and the words he speaks are incarnate in the flesh and blood of our selves and of our own footsore and sacred journeys. We cannot, of course, life our lives constantly looking back, listening back, lest we be turned to pillars of longing and regret, but to live without listening at all is to live deaf to the fullness of the music.

Sometimes we avoid listening for fear of what we may hear, sometimes for fear that we may hear noting at all but the empty rattle of our own feet on the pavement.  But BE NOT AFFEARD, says Caliban, nor is he the only one to say it. "Be not afraid," says another, "for, lo, I am with you always, even unto the end of the world. He says he is with us on our journeys. He says he has been with us since each of our joureneys began. Listen for him. Listen to the sweet and bitter airs of your present and your past for the sound of him...

Listen to your life. See it for the fathomless mystery it is. In the boredom and pain of it no less than in the excitement and gladness: touch, taste, smell your way to the holy and hidden heart of it because in the last analysis all moments are key moments ~ and life itself is grace.

Oh yes, I find this happening over and over again... and still I am surprised.